Let me feel

One realization that I have come to recently is that I am very afraid to feel. I think many of us are.

Instead of feeling I will go on social media, I will watch television, I will listen to a podcast, read a book, call a friend… god anything but feel. 

And I’ve been working on that. Noticing when I grab for something to distract. When I notice, I take some deep breaths and ask myself “What is here? What is present inside of me here and now?”

Many characters live inside of us. Every version of you from birth to the present moment lives inside of you today. Every experience you have ever had is registered in your nervous system. 

And each time the character of the crying baby arises, or the internalized voices of angry parents, or the young child paralyzed in fear, and you ignore them… your nervous system remembers.

If there was a child crying in front of you would you ignore it? Likely not. And if you did, the crying would only get louder. The child would find new, more destructive ways to get your attention. Children often test the safety of a container by pushing boundaries. 

Check in with the child inside of you. Does this child trust you to take care of them? To keep them safe?

You can teach them that its safe to speak, that they are welcome here - that you will listen. 

Because pain only knocks on the door to tell us something needs to change. 

Fear is here to tell us we may not be safe.

Anger is here to tell us a boundary has been crossed.

Uncertainty and confusion are here to lead us toward clarity.

I have given fear too much power. Allowed fear to make my decisions. Allowed fear to hold the door shut, not letting anybody else in. 

When I moved fear aside and looked through the peep hole, I saw everybody waiting behind the door. I saw loneliness, sadness, hopelessness, emptiness, boredom, pain, uncertainty, jealousy, comparison, chaos…

And right behind them I saw intimacy, joy, hope, abundance, creativity, pleasure, clarity, confidence, originality, and peace.

So I told fear “Thank you, you have done a great job keeping me safe. I am here, I am listening. I will not forget about you. But do you think we can let these guys in? I don’t think they are as scary as we thought.”